Unsung Fathers

by Bradwell D. Scott

“I just wanted to spend quality time with my family, that’s all. I didn’t want them to sit in front of the TV when we could eat dinner and talk together,” says David Carey, speaking modestly from a phone booth on his truck route.

Carey, 61, of Owingsville, Ky., a longtime farmer and now truck driver, used his life to set an example for others, and now is venerated by his four grown children and 16 grandchildren as a “great man.”

“I knew my father to be a man of his word,” says daughter Rebecca Still, 41, who lives with her own family in Tucker, Ga. “And I never saw him drink or smoke, or do anything that he didn’t want us to do. He has total integrity and would have sacrificed any worldly pleasure to set a good example.”

His examples included volunteering in the 4-H club; visiting nursing home residents; and, when he saw that children in his community had no place to play, he built and maintains a park for them. He also “taught us not to be afraid of work,” she says, her voice resonating with gratitude. “I feel strong because of the sort of father he has been.”

Carey is one of millions of America’s great fathers being honored this Father’s Day — loyal, committed, everyday dads who take their responsibilities seriously, yet don’t amass public accolades or awards. Rather, their reward is raising happy, well-adjusted children who love and respect their parents.

Carey’s involved, hands-on fathering is somewhat exceptional, given that, until recently, traditional roles restricted fathers primarily to be the breadwinner and disciplinarian. Today, fathers are more free to nurture their children, experts say. “With more women (entering) the workplace, more and more men are willing to do what’s expected of them on the home front. They’re feeling more free to explore their inherent potential as nurturers,” says Dr. David Whitt, professor of family development at the University of Akron in Ohio. “And they’re realizing, at long last … that what matters most is the relationships you build, beginning in the home. That’s what stands the test of time.”

For Carey and others, it isn’t merely the amount of time spent with children that matters, but the communication and sharing that occurs.

“When I talk, he listens”

Ted Jordan, 33, has run an upholstery shop for 10 years in Grand Junction, Colo., and arranges his schedule around 9-year-old twins, Spencer and Erika. When they get home from school, or at vacation time, he tries to spend time with them. “I just want them to do what makes them happy,” Jordan says, “not just what makes me happy. At the same time, I teach them right from wrong, to be both respectful and respectable.”

His children cherish the time spent with their dad. “When I talk, he listens,” Spencer says. “He plays games with me, helps me with homework, and is always there for me when I need him.” His sister Erika agrees. “He’s nice, loving, and caring,” she says. “He’s the most fun when we go on trips together … he goes on all the cool rides with us.”

Brenda Jordan acknowledges her husband’s devotion to their children. “He is always aware of what he needs to do to help those kids, to teach them and guide them,” she says. “He’s kind and caring, and would give them the shirt off his back.”

Fatherhood is important enough to some dads that they change or modify careers, and the family accepts a lower income so one parent can be with the children as often as needed.

“I knew from an early age that the most important thing I could do with my life would be parenting,” says Barry Reszel, 36, of Libertyville, Ill. So the former Chicago newspaper reporter left that career to become a stay-at-home dad after his son, Bradford, was born.

Reszel is a freelance writer now, but considers his first responsibility to be raising his son, now 6, and daughter, Christina, 3. “He’ll take them out on errands, or sit on the floor and play dolls with Christina,” says Reszel’s wife Lori, 35, a human resources consultant. “It’s great to see him and Christina walk Bradford to kindergarten every day. He stays home full time just to be with them … to take them to the park, or talk with them. I know there’s no better place they could be than with their dad. It’s his reason for living; our reason.”

Long-distance fathers

Not every father can leave work or change careers to be with his children, however, and Lt. Phillip Cyr is one of them. Cyr’s military duty occasionally took him thousands of miles from his family for several months at a time, but this father of two always managed to stay connected. “I wanted to bring them up knowing the Golden Rule (and) knowing right from wrong,” says Cyr, 38, of the U.S. Navy Civil Engineering Corps. “And when something was important to them, I have always wanted to be there to give guidance as needed, even when it had to be by long-distance telephone, or e-mail.”

Which was often, says daughter Bobbi, 18, referring to sky-high phone bills. Now at home at the Naval Air Station on Whidbey Island in Washington’s Puget Sound, Bobbi recalls how her father helped to home-school her. “He taught me everything I know about math,” she says. “And he’s been a dad to others, too. He frequently volunteered for our church youth group, and the other kids loved him. He’s always had a way of bringing everyone into line with the rules, and having fun at the same time. He’s really the best dad a girl could have.”

Showing love

Honest communication is important to close family relations, says Bob Hauptman, 57, police chief of Elmira Heights, N.Y. “And giving them structure,” adds Hauptman, who raised four children with his wife. “At some point, all kids will challenge you, and it’s important for them to have had limits and expectations in their upbringing. It helps in your ability to talk with them.”

Honesty has long been a hallmark in their family, says Hauptman’s daughter, Lisa Walters, 35, who lives just minutes away from her parents. “That’s been big with Dad all along. And he never punished the kids if they did something wrong and told the truth about it. He also taught us that material things are not as important as family love,” she says.

“Even when he had to work overtime, he always made special arrangements to show that love in concrete ways,” she says. “Getting to our soccer games, showing up at my junior achievement banquet … and now, even if my sink backs up, he’s right there. Not only does he give constant help and affection, but he doesn’t ever make us feel like we owe him for it.”

Love without price. That’s what many fathers have been giving. And that’s what their kids are celebrating this Father’s Day.

Bradwell D. Scott is a New Hampshire-based freelance writer.

first appeared: 6/4/2000