Telling Teens You Love Them

Telling Teens You Love Them

How can you express love to your teenager without hearing, "Aw, cut it out!"? Here are some ways to send that message to teenagers without "embarrassing" them with the mush of actually uttering, "I love you."

Lend an ear
Teenagers need a sounding board. Learn to listen without judgment when your children need to rave, rant, or whine. You may need to jump in when necessary, but if not, offer a listening ear without adding rules or penalties. By listening, your teenagers will know you value what they think—and who they are.

Show ’em off
Show your teens you’re proud of them by displaying their pictures, report cards, or track ribbons. Even teenagers like to find their things on your desktop. It makes them feel remembered, noticed, and loved.

Be there
They don’t want you to be the loudest cheerleader on the bench, but your teenagers still need your support. Be there in the crowd, so they can pick out your face.

Laugh it off
"Laugh or find humor in mistakes and misunderstandings whenever possible," suggests Dr. Linda Ladd, chairman of the Department of Family Sciences at Texas Women’s University. The next time your teenagers spill the juice, laugh it off. You’ll never regret holding back angry words about little things.

Little things mean a lot
We’d like to give our children the world, but sometimes a small token gets the same message across. "Buy a stuffed animal and leave it on their pillow with a note," says Dr. Mary Lamia, host of Radio Disney’s KidTalk with Dr. Mary.

Since teenagers like food, keep a supply of your teens’ favorites on hand. If it looks like they’re munching alone, join them. Important conversations can start over a bowl of popcorn.

Use code
"If a teenage child can’t handle hearing "I love you" in front of others, decide together on a secret code that means the same thing," says Suzanne Thomas, a Canton, Ohio, communications specialist and mother of two teenage boys.

Thomas suggests "How about those Indians?" or a similar code phrase. Sharing a secret strengthens bonds.

Join in
Respect their privacy and understand their need to be away from you. However, if the opportunity arises, join their world.

"Sit down and listen to their favorite music or watch a favorite show together," suggests Dr. Richard Gallagher, director of New York University’s Parenting Institute. "Don’t criticize. Just spend time together and get to know their tastes."

At the end of the day
Never let them go to bed without saying goodnight. Check in on them before you retire, just like you did when they were younger. This simple gesture can make your teenagers feel cared for and protected.

Admit you’re human
If you make a mistake, admit you’re wrong and apologize. It sets a good example and shows you respect them as the "adults in training" they are.

Cruise control
"Among modern teens, the quest for a driver’s license is the equivalent of the Holy Grail," says Phil Berardelli, author of Safe Young Drivers—A Guide for Parents and Teens. "So begins a new wrinkle in the parent-child relationship."

Teach them yourself or make sure they get excellent professional training. It will show them you want to see them achieve their goals, and that their safety comes first with you.

Last, but not least
And one final word of advice—don’t expect to hear it back. "At this stage of their lives, it is much more important that they hear ‘I love you’ than they say it," Thomas says. So keep telling them. Just choose a way that makes them feel comfortable. After all, respecting their feelings is another way to show your love.

Mary Lebeau is a freelance writer based in Woodbury, N.J.

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