Home for Dinner

Wende Douglas recalls that as a child growing up in Tripoli, Iowa, she never forgot when to head home for dinner. “The little town of 1,200 had the whistle blow at 6 p.m. and that meant all the kids had to be home for supper,’’ Douglas says. At her house, missing mealtime was not an option. “My father used to say, ‘We’re not running a cafeteria here,’ and you’d better be home if you want to eat.”

Now a mother of three in Storm Lake, Iowa, Douglas can’t depend on a whistle to remind her children to come home, but she tries to make sure nothing gets scheduled from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. so the family can eat dinner together.

“I think eating together helps the kids develop a strong sense of home. I can remember coming home … and you walk into the kitchen and can smell supper cooking. I think it just helps to have a solid sense of home base,’’ says Douglas, who works part time in husband Dan’s dental office and does volunteer work.

Rigid mealtimes for breakfast, lunch, or dinner might be a thing of the past, colliding with soccer and ballet practice, school or church activities, different schools, heavy homework loads, and the daily juggling act of two-career couples. But busy families who make time to turn off the television and break bread together get big payoffs—healthier, happier children, stronger families, and even better manners.

Strengthening families

The main benefit of eating together is strengthening the family, says Dr. Michele Borba, author of several books on raising caring and compassionate children, including Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

“In this day and age, in our harried world, mealtime may be one of the few times during the day when we are really all together,’’ says Borba, mother to three teenaged boys in Palm Springs, Calif. “One of the qualities of a really strong family is that they take time together.”

A family dinner hour can be a time to teach listening, which, Borba says, is the core of empathy. Current events, even tragic ones, can be used to get teenagers to talk about feelings when they might not be willing to open up about what is going on with their peers, she says.

She suggests finding uplifting news—for instance a story about everyday people who rescue dogs—then asking the family how they might help.

“Parents who raise moral kids don’t do so by accident,” Borba says. “Conscience is formed by helping them reason why something is right or wrong.’’

Make a commitment

Starting early is crucial, says Paul Fenn, a Pomerene, Ariz., teacher whose five children now range in age from 13 to 22. “You have to develop the habits, so when you want to talk to them, it won’t be a foreign situation,’’ Fenn says.

He admits it’s not easy—especially with his wife, Robin, also a teacher, in graduate school; two teenaged boys playing football; and a busy 13-year-old daughter. The two older Fenn offspring are away on yearlong church missions.

The Fenns commit to togetherness by letting nothing interfere with Monday family night. They always eat Sunday dinner together and aim for two or three more nights a week. “We need that time to be able to discuss what’s going on in our lives,’’ Fenn says, who says breakfast also can be a primary meal for families with busy evening schedules.

It appears to work. Meghan, 13, says her older brother and sister, Amy and Joshua, tell her she really will appreciate her family when she leaves home.

“They say the thing they miss the most is being together as a family,’’ Meghan says, adding that family dinner is just plain fun. “We like to laugh and tell funny stories.’’

Anna Greenwald, 12, of Ames, Iowa, likes her family’s mealtime prayers and the ritual of telling one good thing about their day and one bad thing. “I don’t see my family that much because we’re all busy. I probably like learning about everyone’s day the most, trying to encourage my little brothers in what they are doing,” she says.

Sitting in the dining room ensures the meal is less rushed. She feels lucky that her family eats together regularly. “(At the home of) one friend of mine, the kids eat at one time and the parents at another.’’

Healthier, better adjusted children

Research shows that children who eat with their parents have healthier diets, says Dr. Karen Cullen. A nutritionist at the Children’s Research Center at Baylor College of Medicine in Waco, Texas, Cullen studied 300 children at 12 schools who recorded what they ate, with whom they ate, and whether they watched television at meals.

Family meals involved healthier, lower-fat foods, such as chicken with the skin off and more vegetables, the study found.

Family meals let parents model good eating habits, says Diane Quagliani, a registered dietician and spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association. “If kids see parents eating all kinds of foods, fruits and vegetables, they are more likely to try them,’’ she says.

Nutrition is not the only benefit. A study by a presidential Council of Economic Advisors found teenagers who had dinner with their parents five nights a week were more likely than other teens to avoid drinking, smoking, violence, suicide, and drugs. (The council could not say, however, whether sharing family meals helps teens avoid risks, or that risk-taking teens avoided family meals.)

Planning and preparation

Having dinner on the table takes planning, says Melissa Loy, a single working mother in Clancy, Mont. (pop. 1,406). “A lot of times on the weekend I’m doing prep work for the meals during the week. You have to be very organized,’’ she says. She keeps meals simple. “We barbecue on the grill a lot.”

Daughters Dayna, 11, and Shawn, 9, usually do homework while she cooks, but each girl does the dishes three nights a week. “It’s a time that you can observe your children to see if everything is going well in their world,” Loy says.

Cullen and Quagliani both warn against setting the bar too high. “Don’t feel it has to be a big production. There are so many wonderful fast options in the supermarket—pre-prepped entrees, vegetables, or pre-cut fruit,’’ Quagliani says.

Cullen suggests outlining lists of meals with recipes that are fast and enlisting children’s help. “They gain a skill and confidence that they can do things,’’ Cullen says. “But you can’t just show up after work and expect to get dinner on the table. You have to have a plan in place.’’

Keep it up

Getting everyone in the family together for a meal is more difficult now that everyone is so busy, says Wende Douglas’ daughter, Heather, 12, who cooks to help keep those meals in the dining room going.

Wende laughs about that. “She’s a natural in the kitchen. She sets the table with a tablecloth and candles and the whole bit.’’

But she likes to see the table look different and to cook things she and her brother and sister like, such as meatballs and potatoes, Heather says. “My brother and sister like my cooking more than my mom’s.’’

Perhaps because “mom’s” includes Brussels sprouts and such.

Vicki Brown is American Profile’s Central editor.

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